Saturday, July 13th, 2002
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8:06 am - Wow it has been a long time!
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Well, I know that I haven't written here in forever! I have been so busy lately. Between school and work sometimes I don't know if my head is attached to my shoulders sometimes!
Well Anthony and I broke up a couple of months ago. At first I was upset, but you know what? I think that we made the right decision. We have remained friends and things between us couldn't be better. Not that we fought a lot but there were a lot of issues on my part that I had with the relationship. Now, things are much more relaxed. Plus, I love being single again!!!
I am taking summer courses, I have one more week left and I can enjoy the rest of my summer. I can't wait. I actually graduate in December and then I can start to make plans to get out of here!!! That has been the plan all along.
I am going to a wedding today. I can't believe that my friend Chris is going to tie the knot today. I never thought that day was coming. I am so happy for him, it is about time he found happiness! Well I have to do a couple of things so I will talk to you later!
current mood:  happy
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Thursday, November 29th, 2001
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11:14 am - Been a long time
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I know that I haven't written in here in a long time. My mom finally made it home from Colorado. What was to be a one week trip turned out to be two weeks. My grandmother is doing fine now. Mom and Sara are going out for Christmas to see her. I would go, but I can't get the time off from work. I mean if we were going just for that weekend I could go but Mom wants to stay a week. As it is, it seems that her and Sara are going to be taking seperate flights.
Things with Anthony are going good. He is great! That is all I have to say about that.
Well I am going to go now. I have to do some homework and stuff.
current mood: happy
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Thursday, November 8th, 2001
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11:29 am - It is almost Friday!!!
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I cannot wait until Friday!! This week seems to drag, especially on Thursdays. But what sucks is that the weekends just fly by too fast!! The only thing that would make this Friday good is if it was payday...then I would be really happy. It sucks to be so poor. But mom is going to Colorado and she will be leaving us money. Plus she owes me 7 dollars for doing the laundry.
My grandmother is in the hospital. Last Thursday she blacked out and hurt her neck. The hospital that she went to sent her home with muscle relaxers and told her that everything is alright. The next day she finds out that she fractured her neck. So now she will be in the hospital for three months. My mom is going to Colorado for a week in order to get my grandmother's finances together and stuff. I wish Gram would move back here, but she has lived in Colorado, well, my whole lifetime anyways. That is like 23 years. Kinda hard for her to pick up and move now.
I saw Domestic Disturbance on Tuesday. What an awesome movie!!! I would definately love to see it again. I want to see From Hell with Johnny Depp in it. My sister saw and says that it is really good. So maybe when my finances are in order, I will go and see it.
Well I better get going. It is almost time to meet Lynette and Laurie.
current mood:  cheerful
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Thursday, October 18th, 2001
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3:32 pm - Skipping yet again!
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This is the second time I have skipped class this week. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just can't concetrate in my classes. I just can't concetrate at all. I really don't know what to tell you all.
I have spent the last hour in the computer lab playing scrabble on the computer. Then I am probably going to do some work and go to the mall or something. I just want to go home I guess. That is weird for me to say cause I really never want to go home.
I know that my journal seems jumbled up right now but that is how my head is so I can't help it!
Well since I am not making sense I think that I will do some school work now.
Later!
current mood:  indescribable
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Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
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4:56 pm - Here at work.
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I cannot wait until I get home. I am so sick of working. I think that I definately need a vacation.
I can't believe this whole Anthrax thing. It really pisses me off. What is going to happen next? Is it going to be the children? That is my biggest fear. That is hitting America where it hurts. And let me tell you if that happens there will be no mercy!
Life is going good for me right now despite of what is going on. I met with my advisor yesterday and I could graduate next semester. I only have 16 credits left. But if I take 18 credits ( it is immpossible to get 16) in one semester I will kill myself like I did last semester. So two more semesters left and I will finally have my BA in Psychology!
Well it is time for me to roll over the phones!
Later!
current mood:  accomplished
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Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
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3:51 pm - Burrrr it is cold!!
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It is freezing here in upstate New York!!! I have already broken out the winter jacket. Though today it is really warm, a whopping 55 degrees or something. I took my first test this morning and it went ok I hope. I have a quiz in my last class which is in a couple of minutes.
Things are going good. I am starting to question who my real friends are and I am finding that I can't trust anyone right about now. I will have to see.
Well gotta go...I have to do some last minute studying!
current mood: suspicious
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Thursday, October 4th, 2001
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11:38 am - my yellow socks
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I don't know where I came up with that other than the fact that the only socks that I could find this morning were yellow. It is a good thing that I have a yellow shirt on! I think that means it is time for me to do laundry!!!
Well I didn't hear from my dad today. I think that is good thing. He did email me again last night. I really wish he would leave me alone. He was absent for most of my life and blames it all on my mom. He takes everything I have ever said to him and twists it to fit his logic. Well then again that is how my dad is.
Other than this bull with my dad things are going good. I went for a ride with my friend Katie last night and we were following this car. I swore up and down that the people were passing a bowl in there. I was wrong...it turned out to be the truck light! Well I have to get going now...I will probably write more later or tomorrow. See ya!
current mood:  mellow
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Wednesday, October 3rd, 2001
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1:47 pm - Some people!
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I swear to God that this is my week to be pissed off at some one. Yesterday my stepmother once again started with me. She had the nerve to write me back and blame everything that went wrong on my mother! That makes me angry because my mom has done a lot for me in my life!
The there is Chris. He is such an asshole sometimes. He is the one that I told how I felt about him treating me. If I didn't have cigarettes he would ignore me. He also has never been that great of a friend to me. Just when he wants something. Well I went through a rough time and I could have used his help but was he there? No. However in the beginning of the summer when he was having problems I dropped everything. Not only did I want to be there to help them, but it was expected of me by him.
Then I find out that he told just about everyone in town that I slept with him. He promised that he would talk. What a fucking lie! He went and told everyone he knew and I found out that one of my friends found out through him. Then he has the nerve to go around and say that I am jealous of him and Shannon because he cut off sexual ties with me. That is bull because number one I am the one who stopped it because I knew it would jeapordize our friendship...like last year I stopped it. And number two I knew he was using me when he and Kelly broke up and he said that we would be back on. Not to mention how he would try to convince me to sleep with him when he knew that I didn't want to.
So now he makes this whole thing out to be my fault. I emailed him to congratulate on getting married. I said that I knew that things didn't end well between us over the summer but I wanted to tell you congrats. He has the nerve to write back well what can you do about the summer...blah blah blah. Like I was apologizing to him or something. I am telling you my temper has been having a short fuse lately and I don't think that I can be sweet and nice anymore.
Well gotta work!
current mood:  angry
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Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001
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9:50 am - Why can't people mind their own business
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Today was my day to get emails that piss me off. I got one from my stepmother. She sent me three as a matter of fact. I haven't been answering them cause I don't have time. I think cause she says jump I am going to jump! Whatever! Anyways I haven't talked to my father in 3 years because of her pretty much. She butts in when she shoudln't and all that. I lived with him for a year and it was hell. I treated like I was 2 years old and pretty much the live in babysitter. So now she is going on telling me that I used them to get out of my mom's house. I am sorry but I wanted to move back in with my mom the second day I was there cause I knew that I would be miserable. They wouldn't let me.
She went through my things. At the time I was 19 years old. She said it was cause I didn't tell them things. What was there to tell them? They never let me out of the house. I wanted to hang out with my cousing one time and I had to fight them tooth and nail and I still got in trouble! When I was growing up they never came to anything...my drama club events, my father didn't even make it to my confirmation. They blame it on my mother. I told them that was bullshit cause they were the adults at the time and they could have put aside their differences in support of me. Now, they go to all my brothers things and show them unconditional support.
One time my father accused me of being a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian but here was his reasoning behind it. I didn't have a boyfriend and I didn't do anything. I asked how I could have a boyfriend and do things when he barely lets me out of the house. I am not an ideal woman according to his standards. I should have been bare foot and pregnant by the time I was 18 cause that is how women should live. It is stupid for them to want to go to school.
I have stopped talking to him because he doesn't support me. His wife thinks financially....well that is bull. It is true my father never paid child support, but he never gave me the emotional support that I needed. I don't want his money. I just want his respect and love. That is something that I don't have from him. I stopped talking to him and seeing him because I want to follow through with my goals. I know that he will do everything to stop me. I don't know if I ever will talk to my father again. It is sad that I don't. It really is. But he was never there for me. He was like a ghost father. I never had a father figure in my life. I was raised by my mother. She sacrificed a lot for me. She didn't have any help whatsoever from my father. He always played mind games with my head. I have finally realized what is going on and I won't stand for it! Does that make me a bad person???
current mood: pissed off
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Monday, October 1st, 2001
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5:12 pm - What a week!
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I will have to say that last week was the strangest of my life! I don't know how to describe it. It all started when my friend told me that she had head lice. My mom checked my head and fortunately I didn't catch it! So I had to go and vacuum and Nix my car. I feel bad for my friend. See she works in Child Protective Services and is exposed to unclean enviroments and stuff all the time. Her family pretty much treated her like crap the whole week. Wouldn't go through her hair, avoided her like she had leporacy. I was pissed. Then she was give a clean bill of health. So we went shopping on Wed. It was total role reversal cause usually I am the one who walks out with all of the shopping bags. She has turned girly on me. I got over the shock though. I think that it is cool.
Anyways when we went out this weekend was the weirdest of it all. I made a deal with this one guy who makes comments about my chest. If he didn't say anything all weekend then I would buy him a drink. If he did he owed me a drink. Well he won. I don't know if he will ever do it again but at least I got a break from it.
Friday I got drunk. I don't really remember much. But Katie says that I laughed at the stupidest things. I fell out of the chair cause someone pulled it from underneath me and stuff.
Saturday was the kicker. We met a couple of friends and hung out. Well lets just say I almost got my ass kicked! These two guys were starting with eachother and I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Sunday was pretty normal. I went to the mall with Katie. She bought a lot of cool stuff, even a cell phone! Then Katie, Talia, and I went to see my friend Joe. His exgirlfriend just had a baby so we brought him some baby gifts. We ended staying there for dinner (pizza and wings yummy!) And pretty much that was my weekend in a nutshell.
I am at work right now and I can't wait to go home. We just got this new phone system and I hate it! Oh well change is good right?
Well gotta go! later!
current mood:  exhausted
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Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
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5:40 pm - *Sigh*
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I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think straight! I didn't pay attention to one thing my teacher said in the last class...I just sat there and daydreamed! What is going on with me?!
I am getting over a cold...I am surprised that I got sick in the first place being that the weather is changing. I didn't get a cold when I was at a concert outside in the pouring rain for like 5 hours. I didn't get sick when it was wet snow here and I was dripping wet and below zero!
I don't like what is going on with me...I hope it ends soon!
current mood:  restless
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Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
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4:34 pm - Why?
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Well today was the day I got my car inspected!!! Just before my appointment my horn started to die. That is against New York State inspection laws so I needed to get my horn fixed. Now I have a brand new horn and it works fantastically!!!
Last night I went to visit Crystal. Her son is so cute. I don't know why, but he loves me! He made sure that ate even though I didn't want food. It was soo cute. Almost makes me want one of my own! (well someday anyways) Not much happened last night. Katie and I just drove around aimlessly...we will probably do the same tonight, I am not much for wanting to go to Crystal Bar.
While waiting for my car today I was watching the news. I guess Iran will not back the United States if we retaliate. I am not surprised being that they were the first country to call us the great evil! This whole thing really pisses me off. There is a gas station next to work owned by these people who are from the Middle East. Everyone at work is boycotting it. I found out why a couple days ago. One of the girls was going to LE after this all happened last Tuesday and they were hooting and hollering and celebrating. Another girl said that when the guy was going to give her change he put a piece of paper under the money so that he wouldn't touch her hand. I am trying not to judge and be prejudice after this. But after hearing all of this it makes me mad. Today a girl asked me to go in there with her because she was afraid. I went in there and the guy wouldn't even look her in the eye! It is a pity that we have all this fear in our world. I wish that fear and hate would just disappear! Why do people and governments have to be so stupid? Do they really think that violence is the answer to all problems...
I wish that there was another way.
current mood: annoyed
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Sunday, September 16th, 2001
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1:16 pm - Everything is going to be ok
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Well I do feel a little better right now. I went to church yesterday. I haven't gone to church since Easter. I am a very bad practicing Catholic. Well I went to church yesterday cause I figured that I would feel better. I cried a lot during church too...especially when there was a moment of silence for those who died. After church I went and lit a candle. After doing that I feel a whole lot better about things. I am still upset about everything that is going on around me, but I have faith that those that we have elected to office will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of.
Off the whole trade center I should tell you what happened in the last couple of weeks in my personal life. That guy that I was telling you about did call and we did end up going out last Saturday. We had a lot of fun. Katie and Talia came too. Friday I found out from one of his friends that when he told them about it that he failed to mention Talia and Katie. Also the cat is out of the bag that I like him. Two of his friends have figured it out and I am sure that they will go and tell him. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Though everyone who surrounds me is pretty sure that he likes me, I am still not sure. I have been hurt in the past and I refuse to let my hopes up.
I found out that one of my friends is bi last night. It came as a shock...this person is like Rico Suave towards the opposite sex. It just goes to show that things aren't always what they appear to be. We got talking about having sex with people. It was an enlightening conversation cause we both learned more about eachother. It is so weird how things like that happen.
Well I have homework to do...I have a vacation right now so I have all the time in the world to do it but I think that I should get a jump on it!
current mood:  thoughtful
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Saturday, September 15th, 2001
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2:00 pm - Been awhile
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I know that it has awhile. I am just getting over the weeks events. Actually I don't think that I will ever get over this. Though I don't live in New York City I do live 3 hours away. I live near the State Capital. It is just way too close to home. Right now the remains of the World Trade Center is on Fire...what next? I watched the Memorial Ceremony yesterday afternoon, I burst into tears. Thankfully all of my friends who live in the City are ok. But it still hurts to see how many innocent people died for one man's crazy ideals! That really pisses me off!
I go to the City at least 3 times a year if not more...next time I go it is going to feel so empty...it won't be complete. I will think of all of those who have died and what use to stand there...why it feels so empty.
I do have to say that we as a nation have stuck together. We have united together and proved to the terrorists that they couldn't keep us down. They couldn't break us. They will get theirs in the end!
I can't help being angry about this. This struck me close to home. Not only did they attack us on our soil...they hit me 3 hours away. They have tore our world upside down. I hope that they pay.
I don't think that I am making sense right now so I am going to go!
Later, and God Bless America!
current mood: pissed off
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Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
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6:47 pm - The aftermath
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As a New Yorker I am totally upset about this whole thing. I have visited the Twin Towers. I may live 3 hours from NYC, but it affects us in Upstate as well. It is very upsetting how Jeruslam was celebrating the fact that the twin towers collapsed. I hope that we strike back with a vengance. If anyone wants to help out please donate blood...there is going to be a high demand for that in the following weeks. Please pray for those families who have lost their loved ones as a result. God help us and God bless us!
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Saturday, September 8th, 2001
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1:27 pm - More confused than ever
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I am really not starting to understand things that are happening. I don't even know where to begin. I need someone to talk to right now. I can't talk about this with my mom...I can't talk about this with Talia...I mean she is sweet and all but she has a whole different perception of reality. Everyone else that I can talk to is busy. Just my luck, the one time that I need someone to listen to me cause I am going nuts and everyone is not around.
I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I can't do my homework cause I can't concetrate on it. All over something that I swore that I would never get this way again.
I don't know where to begin...it is so hard. I guess it started last night at Talia's house when she dropped the bombshell that my exboyfriend was getting married. I am happy for him, but at the same time I am sad. I mean there will always be a little piece of me that will miss him. Fortunately it is small enough for me to forget him. Talia tells me that he wants my blessing...I don't know if I should believe her...I mean she does exaggerate the truth a great majority of the time. I am usually good at telling when she is doing this...but lately I have been having a hard time.
Then well the guy that I like was out. Supposedly he wants to go to Albany tonight. I told him to call me. I think that I will hold my breath. I really can't allow myself to believe anything...I have been through too much.
As a result I have only slept two hours...I have no desire to eat and a strong urge to watch movies. During my restlessness I watched Robin Hood Prince of Theives. I just wondered if I will ever find someone who would die for me. I don't think I ever will. I think that my ex is right, there is just no one out there for me. But then again I thought he was right the whole time.
Sorry I didn't mean to bring anyone down. I think that I am just going to go back to my self pity land. I hope that I get out of it soon!
current mood:  sad
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Thursday, September 6th, 2001
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9:15 pm - Finally it is Friday!!!!
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Thank God it is Friday!! Especially a payday Friday and I actually have money after I payed the bills!!! Yippeee!!!! Well I don't have anything constructive to say and I am at work right now so I will talk to you all later!
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4:00 pm - Grrrr!!!
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Do you know what I can't stand???? I can't stand when you are sitting in class and the teacher is lecturing, that there are people who will talk during class!!!! That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Then these chics after talking all through class are like I don't understand anything he is saying. I feel like saying not shit! Could it possibly be because of the fact that you were talking all through class? I just wanted to turn around and tell these chics to shut the fuck up!!! (Sorry about the swearing). Well off to my next class. Hopefully there will be less people talking while the teacher is lecturing!
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Tuesday, September 4th, 2001
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11:29 am - Back to the Grind
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Well it is back to school today. Back to work tomorrow. It is so weird though. Throughout September I have all this vacation time and then nothing until Thanks Giving reccess. I hope that I will eventually get into school mode. It is kind of hard when you have all these breaks!
Last night was great! We all went to the fair saw the demolition derby and rode on some rides. I even got see you know who for a little while. It was cool. I saw a guy that I haven't seen since junior college. I couldn't remember his name, but my friend Kimmy knew him too. So things were fine until Talia was like Seana, introduce us to your friend. I was so embarrassed. So I had to ask Kimmy what his name was! We all had a nice discussion on the way home. I had a really cool weekend. It was quite eventful. I haven't had a good weekend like that in a very long time!
Well I have to attempt to try to do some work...plus I have to meet a couple of people at noon.
Talk to you later!
current mood: happy
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Monday, September 3rd, 2001
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3:16 pm - Something to do
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I am bored right now. I finished my homework and I have an hour before I have to get ready to leave for the fair. I could get gas in my car, but I just plain don't feel like it right now. I will stop on the way there, cause I know that Katie will want to stop and buy cigarettes.
I was playing around with the picture thing and I semi-figured out how to get a picture up there. Sorry about the bad picture. It is of my sister and I at Glimmer Glass beach. I will leave it up to you guys to figure out which one is me! I love that picture of us cause we were having a lot of fun making sand creatures.
Well I think that I am going to play online scrabble! Talk to you all later!!!
current mood:  bored
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